RELATIVITY

And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand

Mari — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 20:10:59 +0000

The following are 100 percent real, unedited, text messages. Enjoy!

Anonymous: Just a remainder of today’s apt. See you soon

Mari: Yay! I hope u have extra wax!

Anonymous: Lol

Anonymous: Did you take hand sanitizer with u? for the potty breaks?

Mari: (No response)

Anonymous: Paneling? Que quiere decir eso?

Mari: Picking. I’m on a panel. From our group they pick 6.

Anonymous: No way!! You are on a jury? When’t the case now?

Mari: I can’t tell you.

–2 minutes later–

Mari: Fuck it. It’s murder!

Anonymous: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mari: Okay but that’s all I can tell u.

Anonymous: Did you tell them you don’t even like Law & Order and you are easily bored and distracted?

Mari: (No response)

Mari: Fucked.

Mari: 3x fucked.

Mari: Fuck me.

Anonymous: What happened?

Mari: Fucking.angry elf

Mari: Fuck u

Mari: Fuck u and your table

Mari: Fuck.

Anonymous: Fucking hell

Anonymous: Fucktards. Fuckballs, Fuck it all.

Anonymous: Fuck your moms velour track sutis

Anonymous: Fuck her bitchy friend

Anonymous: Fuck you and your hairless dog.

Mari: I love you guys.

Mari: I can’t be left alone. I will buy cigarettes.

Mari: Don’t make me check every urgent care in broward.

Mari: Hi, I’m feeling better. I lost my lunch at the Wendy’s close to my house, and started to feel better…weird, that was excruciating..Thanks for your concern.

Mari: It was my bloody lip story wasn’t it?

Anonymous: Te amo

Mari: You are feeling strange and saying delirious things, I’m calling 911 for you.

Mari: Hey. Are You in on Santa’s? On a scale from one to the end of the black eyed peas concert?

Anonymous: Omg craziest day ever. I was helping my friend move into her new apt in downtown and the uhaul truck we were using got towed while we were in the building lol

Anonymous: …so I don’t think I can make it to santas

–Next morning–

Mari: We ended up going! I hope u finally got your uhaul back!

Anonymous: Was it as amazing as we all hoped? Yea we did eventually, why are all tow truck drivers miserable low lives?

Mari: Ugh. They are assholes. It wasn’t the same without you.

–1 hour later–

Mari: Holy shit! I meant the tow truck drivers are assholes! And Santa’s wasn’t the same without You.

Anonymous: (No response)

Filed under: People Tagged: 2011, and i cannot text you with a drink in my hand, angry elf, hand sanitizer, text, texting, unedited text

Mama, I’m coming home

Mari — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:20:59 +0000

I make it a habit to holiday during the Holidays.

That’s right.

I don’t shop for gifts, I don’t attend dinners, and I don’t dance with creepy uncles. I don’t have to. I’m away. Giving myself the wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah present of a vacation.

This year is no different. The Librarian has chosen New Orleans as our destination and I gladly obliged. But, something very strange happened during my vacation planning process. I discovered that New Orleans and my mother have very many things in common. Too many things, actually. If New Orleans was a person, they could be long-lost twins. And, if my mother was a city, she’d be…well, she’d be Niu Orrrlions (that’s the way she’d make everyone pronounce it).

So, in many ways, I feel like this vacation will be for naught, as it will be like I never left. Here are all the reasons why:

	MOTHER	NEW ORLEANS
NICKNAME	Nola	Nola
RELIGION	Catholic	Catholic
WHEN VISITING, BE PREPARED FOR	Drinking Dancing Listening to Music Crying Tragedy Unnecessary Nakedness	Drinking Dancing Listening to Music Crying Tragedy Unnecessary Nakedness
FRENCH-I-NESS	Spent a Week in Paris	Former French Colony
ETHNIC MAKE-UP	60% Cuban 33% African 3% Asian 1% Unknown	60% African American 33% White 3% Asian 1% Unknown
TOPOGRAPHY	Flat	Flat
DISPOSITION	Loud and unstable.	Loud and unstable.
LANGUAGE	In Spanish, deletes the post-vocalic “r” (vamos pa’ ya).	In English, deletes the post-vocalic “r” (ova da rainbow).
FAVORITE MEAL	Café Con Leche and Pastelitos	Café Au Lait and Beignets
BEADS	Owns them in all sizes, shapes and colors.	Gives them away in all sizes, shapes and colors.
ON FACEBOOK	TYPES IN ALL CAPS.	TYPES IN ALL CAPS.
WHEN FRUSTRATED	Prays to Saints.	Prays for the Saints.
BOURBON	Gets rowdy.	A rowdy street.
ECONOMY	Has a lot of money, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at her.	Has a lot of money, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at her.
ONLY KNOWN ENGLISH PHRASE	Who Dat?	Who Dat?
TRUMPET	Husband’s instrument.	Louis Armstrong’s instrument.
HURRICANES	Make her nervous.	Make her nervous.

Filed under: People, Theory Tagged: christmas, holidays, i'm coming home, mama, mom, new orleans, nola, vacation

Nostalgia

Mari — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 19:23:56 +0000

A staple of every Cuban household was at least one Alvarez Guedes record. We had five. And my parents would play them all back-to-back. My dad on his chair, my mom sprawled out on the couch and I would watch them bend at the waist and laugh as they listened. I’d laugh too. Not at Alvarez Guedes’ jokes. I didn’t really get them. But, I’d laugh at the way my parents would burst out in cackles and tear up from the giggle attacks. My mom would laugh and clap at the same time, while my dad would repeat the punch line. If it was really funny, he wouldn’t make a sound, he’d just hold his eyes with his thumb and pointer finger, while his shoulders jiggled up and down.

I recently found those five records, among my parents’ record collection that I confiscated from my mom’s storage closet. When I returned to my apartment I too listened to them back-to-back. I finally understood the jokes and I found myself laughing out loud.

But, I still think it was much funnier to watch my parents laugh.

For those of you that don’t know him, Alvarez Guedes is a Cuban comedian with the meanest 1970′s mustache you’ve ever seen. Here’s a clip:

Oh, and if you need an English translation, here’s Alvarez Guedes’ famous Cuban-Spanish Lesson. (It starts at 1:30)

Filed under: People Tagged: alvarez guedes, comemierda, cuban, nostalgia, parents

I hear you

Mari — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 22:20:28 +0000

The following conversation took place in a Starbucks restroom:

WOMAN#1: I want to be an actress.

WOMAN #2: Me too.

WOMAN #1: No, I’m serious. I want to be an actress.

WOMAN #2: Me too! I’m serious too.

WOMAN #1: I take drama and film production classes. What do you do?

WOMAN #2: I’m naturally blonde.

I was in the stall and never got a good look at them. But, I can only imagine they looked like this:

Photo courtesy of FanPop.com

Filed under: People Tagged: acting, actor, actresses, bathroom, blonde, starbucks, women